The Dude

 

A curse on the man

May he never grow fat

Who wears two faces

Under one hat!

- Robert Tressell - The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists.

 

 

 

 Martin watched the dude stroll down the hill like he was trying to be real casual. The feet were clad in Gucci’s and the suit was not only neatly pressed but it looked expensive. The Dude wore a shirt and tie that was so tasteful it almost hurt to look at and Martin guessed he was going bald; why else wear a hat?

- Look at the dresser.

Sean looked and spat on the floor moving his rolled smoke across his lips.

The Spider and Larry lazily opened their eyes and followed the Dude’s progress. Holy Mary crossed her legs.

Impressive.

The Dude stayed uncomfortably casual; his eyes looking and not looking trying out his face before he reached the door. Sad Sam leaning against the lamppost stared open mouthed as the Dude slowed and strolled past him. Liquid Lenny, sitting in his own fresh pool of urine, threw up and gazed with reddened eyes at the Dude.

Nobody said anything when the Dude paused by the door, hesitated and finally walked in.

 None of their business who walks in the Mission door.

 - Excuse me?

Dolly looked up from her tea making.

- Yes love, what can I do for you? Tea? Cake? You only have to have twenty cents you know.

- No, no need, I haven’t come for that.

- Need a place to sleep?

Daft bag, the guy’s a Dude, here to salve his conscience not for a cuppa and a bun laced with a meaningful and helpful prayer, praise the Lord!

Martin grinned at Holy Mary who glowered back and gave him the fingers.

- Oh, what can we do for you then?

- I want to ...to help.

- Oh, that’s nice.

- Well yes but...

- Our roster is all full up at the moment?

- What?

- We have enough tea makers and dishwashers to cover our daily needs. We could do with some sorters in the clothing room or a strong man on furniture. Is that what you mean?

- No, I was thinking of something much simpler than that.

- Oh, such as?

- I thought I could make a donation.

 - Oh, I see.

Dolly’s face sort of crumpled up into her neutral resigned mode which meant she was really extremely pissed off. Martin waited for the put down.

- You want to put a few dollars in the poor box do you?

The Dude looked confused. There was no box on the counter. Even the twenty cent pieces went into the till. He couldn’t see what she was getting at and even when Holy Mary snorted he had to carry on. He had said the word hadn’t he? Dude, the Upright Christian, was doing his duty. The Spider crossed himself and Sean spat again.

 Outside on the sidewalk Sad Sam was cleaning Lenny with a discarded newspaper. In a few moments Sad Sam would wander in for a bucket of water. He was good like that. Martin watched the Dude closely, amused at the blush that flushed his cheeks.

 - I was hoping you had a collection box, yes.

- You can give it to me and I will pop it in the till. I’ll give you a receipt if that will help?

Sad Sam came in for a bucket waving his hands around trying to say the words in his slow garbled speech. Dolly knew what he wanted and went out the back. Sad Sam stared at the Dude his mouth slack and dribbling; meths breath sour over the smell of doss house carbolic.

 - Hello.

- Garble garble.

The Dude smiled, awkwardly.

Sad Sam grinned and stood face to face with the Dude until Dolly came back with the bucket.

- I’ve given you a sponge and there is some soap in the water.

- Garble garble.

 

Next Page